white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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