non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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