i already hear my dad disowning me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
