I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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