guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
