...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
