Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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