He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
