i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
