I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
