this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize