What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
