i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
