I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
