I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
