I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
