I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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