you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
