I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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