I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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