A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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