You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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