I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
