Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
