He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
