I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
