I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
