Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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