just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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