she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
