it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
