I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
