I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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