I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
