Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
