You smell like a Billy Joel song
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
