I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Randomize
