Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
