he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
