Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
