the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize