I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
