the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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