Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
