she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
