I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
