mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
