i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
