I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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