I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize