I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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