i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize