Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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