Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Of course I have a pirate flag
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
