at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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